


Sleep versus Coffee

by Toadflame



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Minor Violence, Tony Stark-centric, aka dialogue practice, too many cliches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-06
Updated: 2015-06-06
Packaged: 2018-04-03 02:32:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4083328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toadflame/pseuds/Toadflame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If there was an award for best kidnap-ee ever, Tony would <em>definitely</em> have gotten it today.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleep versus Coffee

**Author's Note:**

> ...I blame K. I've become Marvel bound... *looks sadly at DC* _I'm sorry babies_

It had started off as one of _those_ days.  He’d been woken up from his wonderful post-76-hours-of-awake sleep by Pepper at the absolutely _unholy_ hour of 9:30, wondering if he was actually coming in to the conference for Stark Industries or not.  After throwing out the idea that he had not actually scheduled that meeting, thank you very much, he managed to throw enough of himself together for a video conference.  Copious amounts of coffee may have been involved.

Ten minutes after he went back to bed, he was again awoken by the phone, though this time it was at least a legitimate call of ‘shit is happening get here yesterday’ rather than a questionably-scheduled meeting that Tony was quite sure was actually just a plot from the rest of the world.

So Iron Man suited up and set off for Chicago and some sort of fuckery that was typical for the Avengers.  It was supposed to be routine, it was supposed to be fast and Tony would be able to let Jarvis pilot the suit back to Malibu while he took a nap.

Well, he could probably nap now, but it wouldn’t be good for his neck, as he was currently dangling from his wrists, which were attached to the ceiling by chain and cuffs.

Really, was there no alternative?

“Eeeeeerghnnnnnnnnnnnng,” he grunted, trying not to yell as the taser voltage was amped as it pressed against his side.  Then, suddenly, it was off again, and he was left to slump down as much as possible.

Ah yes, the other reason he couldn’t nap.  Torture was not conducive to a sleeping environment.

“It can all end right now, Stark.”  Oh, there was the line again.  Not like he hadn’t heard that one before.  “Tell me how you make the Iron Man suits, and you’re free to go.”

“Free to go like, I can go back to Malibu and live out the rest of my days, or fee to go like you’re going to put a bullet in me and hope I actually die?”  He was a bit dizzy, and the number of baddies in front of him alternated between three and nine.  “Sorry, man, but if I’m gonna die, might as well take the secrets of the suit with me.  Also, seriously guys, seriously?  We’re back to the whole plotline of ‘tell me how you made the suit’?  This is the worst reason for kidnapping me.  Even getting a _ransom_ is-”

Tony’s breath exited his lungs in a fast exhale as the punch from Right-goon hit into his solar plexus.  “Okay, yeah,” he managed to wheeze out.  “No more talking.  Got it.”

Lead Baddie growled, the sound echoing around the cave - again, _cliches_ , people, could he not get a break for something a little more exciting - and there was a clatter as the taser was pushed into Left-goon’s chest.

“Keep him occupied and ready for when I get back,” he said.  Tony shook his head, trying to clear out the cobwebs.  He had a feeling he wouldn’t really like what was coming next.  “I need to go let off some steam elsewhere before I kill him.  And I want to take another look at the armor.”

“Sure, you _could_ do that, or you could use that anger constructively and try to beat the answers you want out of me,” Tony piped up, not necessarily to be helpful but because the three cups of coffee needed to keep him awake for the meeting earlier (earlier?  It felt like days ago, and he hadn’t even been roughed up that much already) was wearing off, but more like if he was unconscious...well, that was kind of like sleep, wasn’t it?

Lead Baddie’s grip tightened into a fist, and then he was out of sight through the (at least as far as Tony could tell) only exit to the cave.

Seriously, cliches.  They didn’t even have a door cutting the cave off from the rest of the tunnels.  That would’ve stopped the rest of the team for at least five extra seconds while they fought over who was kicking the door down and who was picking the lock.

Tony smirked at the thought.  He had no doubts that Natasha would have picked the lock in the time it took for the others to argue over kicking the hypothetical door down.

Right-goon had turned into Sitting-goon while Tony hypothesized a door into the equation, and he had his head in his hands.

“Why are we always stuck with guard duty?  I wanna check out the Iron Man suit too.”  The voice sounded so plaintive that even Tony had to laugh.

“Iron Man fan?” he asked, somewhat ironically.  “I’m not surprised, I _am_ pretty awesome.”

Left-goon snorted.  “Well, right now you look like crap, and you’re strung up by the wrists to the ceiling.  I wouldn’t exactly call that awesome,” he said scathingly.  Tony pretended to be hurt.

“I’m astonished, appalled, and agonized,” he said, gesturing down at himself with one bound hand.  “Also, alliterative.  Can I get that in writing, that’s the best poetry I’ve made since Hour 66 when I ran out of cling wrap.”

“Hour 66?” Sitting-goon asked, sounding interested.  “Of what?”

“I go through general periods of sleep deprivation to see how long I can go,” Tony answered, smothering a yawn.  “I got to the point where I was drinking about twelve cups of coffee so I could keep working on Mark 45, and then Jarvis cut me off.”  He nodded sadly as Sitting-goon made a noise of sympathy.  “At that point, it’s just easier to accept that Jarvis is at the point of almost locking me out of my lab and go to bed.”

“How far did you get?” Left-goon asked, sounding impressed despite himself.  “And what the fuck were you even _doing_ with cling wrap?”

“I hit 76 hours before the caffeine withdrawl really made things blurry.  Then I got about...I dunno, three and a half hours of sleep before I got woken up?  Then I had to go save the world, and time’s gotten a little bit funky.”  Tony shifted a bit in the cuffs, feeling the chafe as he moved.  “As for the cling wrap, it makes an excellent temporary adhesive.  Sticks to itself _and_ is clear.  Really, what else could I ask for?”

Left-goon shook his head.  “Why do we get stuck with the weirdos?” he asked, leaning against the wall.

“Uh, excuse me, I am not a weirdo, I’m the most entertainment you’ve seen since- hey, no,” Tony objected, watching Left-goon start to slide down the wall to sit.  “No, he’s already Sitting-goon, you don’t both- all right,” he said as Left-goon plopped to the ground.  “Okay, fine.  Fine.  Now you’re both sitting and I don’t know who’s who anymore.”

He heard a faint grumble about supposed genius, but he ignored it.  “Right.  Guess I’ll have to make up new names.”  He considered for a moment.  “Okay, you-” he jerked his head at Left-goon- “are now Dr. Sparklepants, and you-”  Sitting-goon was wheezing, and Tony let a smile out.  “You can be Colonel Laffy-taffy.”  He chuckled to himself, pleased with the new naming designations.

“Call me Dr. Sparklepants, and you won’t live to tell the boss about the Iron Man suit,” Sparklepants said darkly, pointing at him threateningly.  “And you need to stop encouraging him, Andersmith.”

“Lighten up, Bitters!  You don’t have to take your own name so literally.”

Tony mouthed _Bitters_ to himself for a moment or two, idly wondering how long the tick would go before he was really in trouble with the man.  “You know, Bitters has a nice ring to it.  Sounds like that guy from _South Park_ , Batters or something.”  Tony shook his head.  “Not important.  What’s important is that I am in need of coffee.  Lots of coffee.”

“What you need is sleep, or a blow to the head,” Bitters said.  “Maybe then I’ll get some peace and quiet.”

Andersmith pushed himself up, stretching.  “Actually, I’m gonna make a coffee run myself.  Want one, Bitters?”

Bitters rolled his eyes, shaking his head even as he said, “God knows I need it.  Bring me a cup.”

“And me!” Tony called as Andersmith left the cave, tone loud to cover Bitters’ yell of “And none for this asshole!”

Tony amused himself while Andersmith was gone by pulling his legs up and swinging on his arms.  It hurt, it was never fun to feel his joints pulling, but they had left his legs unchained.  Not that it did him any good; he could’ve kicked Lead Baddie, but that would’ve earned him either a bullet or no way to reach a key to let himself down.  His sleeve lockpicks had been taken already.

“Will you stop that!” Bitters snapped suddenly, and Tony dragged his feet to halt himself.  “You’re gonna tear out a socket!”

“Awww, you _do_ care, Bitters!” Tony cooed, hiding his smile until after Bitters had stopped glaring at him.  Instead, he contented himself by humming Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite.

He even had Bitters nodding along by the time Andersmith returned, with a veritable flood of coffee contained in a coffee urn and three Styrofoam cups.

“Brought enough coffee to last then?” Tony asked appreciatively, thinking of all the things he could get done if he had one of those.  Note to self: tell Pepper to remind him to buy a giant coffee pot.  At least six.

Even Bitters seemed amused.  “Did you just steal all the coffee in the break room?” he asked, taking a cup when it was held out and pressing the dispenser tab on the pot.

“Basically,” Andersmith said.  He set the pot on the ground in the middle of the cave, and walked around behind Tony.  By the sounds of it, he was getting a ladder.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Bitters said, scrambling to his feet.  “What’re you doing?”

“Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it,” Tony advised.  “I tend to find that’s the best course of action.”

“Relax,” Andersmith said, and there was a click before Tony was standing on his own feet on the floor.  “I’m literally giving him just his hands to have coffee.  You’re not going anywhere now that we’ve given you coffee, right Stark?”

Tony held up his hands placatingly.  “Give me coffee and I will be your metaphorical slave,” he said.  His hands were still chained together, but he had enough slack in order to be able to spread them about two feet apart.  “Not literally, slavery is wrong and we already emancipated them, but man, _coffee_.”  He plunked himself right next to the pot, taking one of the remaining cups and pouring himself a cup.  He all but inhaled it, going back for a second cup before Andersmith had even sat down again.

“So,” Andersmith said, “tell us more about what you were doing with the cling wrap.”

\-----

“-and so I ended up- haha, I ended up with one leg tied to Dummy, and one hand was stuck in the gauntlet, which was stuck _on_ , and that’s what Pepper walks into the lab.  I didn’t even look at her before she was walking away!”

Tony wheezed with laughter at the memory, and Bitters and Andersmith were trapped in gales of laughter.  He was just taking a drink from his twelfth cup of coffee when there was a great clatter, and Thor and Steve tried to burst through the cave entrance at the same time.

Which really just sent Tony into even more laughter, as they tried to back up but couldn’t.  There were some scuffling sounds, and then Steve retreated back and Thor ran in.

“Friend Stark!” he boomed.  “You are unharmed!”

Tony was yanked up into a hug that had the two of them moving back towards the exit as Steve and Natasha moved in front, defending them from the two men who had yet to get up from the floor.

“Hey, hey Team, listen, listen, listen,” he said, patting Thor’s arm to try and get him to let go, but the team ignored him, drawing away from Bitters and Andersmith as the latter two clambered to their feet.  “Hey, they’re good guys, they gave me coffee!”

“Not like he needed it,” Bitters said, but the tone was fond as picked up Tony’s cup and began to fill it back up.  “Take him, he needs to go to sleep.”

“I need no such thing,” Tony objected, but reached back for the coffee with grabby hands.  “I need more coffee, if anything.  What I _really_ need is my workshop-”

Andersmith snickered, and Tony grinned, unrepentant.

“You are not going near your workshop, Jarvis wouldn’t even unlock the door for us,” Steve said, shield at the ready.  He tensed defensively as Bitters came forward with the coffee.

“Do you want to taste it too?” Bitters asked sarcastically, walking around him to hand him the cup.  He nodded.  “Well, Stark, I think the boss has your suit in his-”

“We already got it,” Steve interrupted, full Captain America persona in effect.  Tony just nursed his coffee quietly, feet dangling since it didn’t appear that Thor was willing to put him down quite yet.

“Bye!” Tony called, content to be carried as long as he had his coffee.  He grinned to himself, reflecting on the past two hours.  If there was an award for best kidnap-ee ever, Tony would _definitely_ have gotten it today.

**Author's Note:**

> This was basically dialogue practice for a different AU. I posted it because I felt like it, pretty much. I had too much fun writing this lol. Let me know what you think I can improve on!


End file.
